Arachnophobic Impropriety
by Moirail-Ninja
Summary: When Colonel Mustang has a run-in with an eight-legged guest, it's up to Riza to reassure him and up to Mustang to be, well, Mustang. Rated T for suggestiveness.


**So, I just wrote this as part of a challenge from the ever-awesome Ray by Another Name. Be forewarned, there is a bit of OOC-ness in here. Still, enjoy!**

**(By the way, I don't own FMA or any of its characters, though I am definitely asking for Fuery for my birthday.)**

**0oo8oo0**

"Sir, I just wanted to...Sweet Jesus what is going on in here?" Havoc yelped, aghast at the scene before him. To be sure, it wasn't exactly an easily explained situation. The Colonel's half-shocked, half-smug expression. Riza's look of complete indifference. The...was that a cactus?

"Did you need something?" Mustang called out lazily. The bastard, Havoc thought, just sitting there all smug, as if he knew something he didn't. The nerve. And Riza...wow. Who would have thought she would agree to this, at work no less? It boggled the mind, really.

Riza stood up, her expression cool. "I can assure you, there is nothing improper going on here at all. Please carry on with your day as usual." Havoc looked at her incredulously, and the Colonel sighed. "You see Havoc, what happened was..."

(7 and a half minutes earlier)

"Sir...I'm sorry but this is idiotic." Riza gave her superior a withering look as he glared at her from the opposite corner of his office. "You can deal with this yourself."

"No, I can't, and as your superior officer I demand that you follow my orders at once!" Roy's voice almost cracked with unrestrained terror as he said it, and edged farther away from the desk.

"Sir, I can assure you that there is no such thing as a Flying Killer Chilean Swamp Monkey-Spider, and if there was such a thing the likelihood of it being under your desk is slim at best." Mustang simply shook his head like a petulant child in response. Riza sighed. "I've heard some fairly strange things from you in the past, but this...this is just ridiculous. Have a little dignity sir!" she hissed as his lip began to tremble ever so slightly.

"But I saw it! It jumped out of that cactus and scurried under my desk! Who even put that thing in here anyway...?" Mustang trailed off in thought, mentally listing and cross-referencing the people who could get into his office who also might plausibly know of the little known Flying Killer Chilean Swamp Monkey-Spider. We may never know if the list contained a certain pair of teenage girls with some unique skills and too much time to kill.

In the end, of course, Mustang got his way, somewhat. Riza agreed to go look under the desk, but only if Mustang manned up and got within a yard of the desk. He edged closer suspiciously. Riza may have scoffed at his fear, but she had never seen one take down three full-grown men, and trained soldiers at that. Mustang shivered at the memory.

"Sir, there's no monkey-spiders of any kind under here. Just like I said." The Colonel was about to peer under the desk as well, just to be safe, when he heard the footsteps towards his door, the characteristic knock. He glanced back to the desk—Riza was still underneath, the chair was in just the right spot...

You see, terrified though Mustang might be of Chilean Monkey-Spiders, nothing, arachnid or otherwise, would ever get in the way of his messing with Havoc. _Nothing_.

Not that he would mention that, of course, when explaining the situation to the aforementioned mark. It would be something mundane, a slight accident, nothing about spiders or possible impropriety, though the latter was highly implied. Riza understood all this as she stood there, coolly taking in Mustang's smug con and Havoc's less-than-convinced expression. As the Second Lieutenant turned to leave, slightly dazed, she too took her leave from the Colonel, leaving him cackling in his office.

Well, until he screamed like a banshee. For Riza, in her infinite wisdom, had foreseen such an incident, and as such had neglected to inform the Colonel that, while a Flying Killer Chilean Swamp Monkey-Spider wasn't hiding under his desk, a Flying Killer Swamp Goat-Spider was. And they're twice as big.

She would have a good laugh about it with Black Hayate later that evening.


End file.
